


i miss you (no matter how much i try)

by moonenby



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Season/Series 02 Spoilers, Unrequited Love, YES ITS SAD I KNOW AND I HATE TO ADMIT IT, set during the war yes, unbeta because WE DIE LIKE WARRIORS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:15:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28616430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonenby/pseuds/moonenby
Summary: "Yes Captain, I have family at home. I have a wife who's expecting," smiled Havers, gazing fondly outside the window. "Do you have family waiting for you, Sir?"The Captain cleared his throat. "No, no. I haven't found a woman to find myself attached to," reciprocating his Lieutenant's smile, except one was natural and one was forced."In fact, you're the only one I've ever real found myself attached to, Havers. "
Relationships: The Captain/Lieutenant Havers (Ghosts TV 2019)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	i miss you (no matter how much i try)

**Author's Note:**

> the fic is inspired by the song "i miss you" by mxmtoon. if you haven't listened to it yet, i recommend you do because it's _so good_. for me, when i watched 'reddy weddy' (five times), i couldn't see any romantic/sexual attraction from havers towards the captain so, instead of doing homework, i've decided to write this unrequited fanfiction. im just really good at writing angst, im so sorry! i haven't written fanfiction for sometime now (or any creative piece) so apologies if it's a bit rough. i hope you enough the fic-
> 
> m <3

The Captain always felt there was just _something_ about Havers that made him so fond of the man.

Was it his sharp, tactical thinking, rescuing the Button House out of dire situations?

Was it his kind yet, powerful voice, which made the Captain look at his in such respect and adoration?

Was it the way the light caught in his rich-brown eyes, turned him into a sunkissed pool of honey?

Or his smile, _his sweet, sweet smile_ , subtle but there, or was it _the way_ he smiled, that made his stomach flutter but he just didn't know, _why?_

There was just something about the man he could quite pinpoint that made him feel something he had never felt before.

That's why when Havers said he was leaving for the North Africa front, the Captain felt he was going to lose a part of himself, too.

* * *

The room shuddered with the wind and the floorboard moaned bitterly as the Captain paced across the room, reading and rereading the letter Havers gave to him. His hand subconsciously traced the cursive handwriting on the front, feeling each bump, every rough patch of the paper, as if his life depended on it.

"Havers, Havers, Havers," he muttered under his breath, gripping the letter tighter. 

Why the Captain was acting so irrationally, out of order, out of emotion wasn't something he could wrap his head around. 

_"I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,"_ the Captain sang to himself, sounding increasingly more frustrated every time he repeated the line. It was the song he had learnt, teaching him that he was to be a "very model of a modern major general" but how could he be the very model, the very epitome of how a general when he allowed emotion get to the better of him?

" ' _I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical'_ that's absolute poppycock; how can I claim I understand equations when I can't understand how I feel?" the Captain growled, raising his voice by the slightest. His eyes widened in realisation of his ludicrous actions. Clearing his throat, he fixed his eyes outside the window. The sky was of a bleak grey, stretching out for miles, consuming everyone and everything with it's misery. He watched a single black raven fly past.

"You must bury that emotion, and never let it out," he whispered, the words heavy on his tongue. The Captain remembered when his mother first uttered those words. He was only ten.

He was told "a good boy never cries and he must never show anyone else he is weak for he will crumble beneath someone else's feet."

"A good boy will turn into a good man and good men never be soft for he will be incapable of providing for his family. And a good man must certainly never show affection towards another man, good heavens no," his mother's voice shrilled. She was a tall, stern woman with flour dusted on the front of her apron and a rolling pin branded in her hand. "What you did to that young boy on the playground, snogging him on the cheek! That is improper, you hear me? I know he is your friend but that is not how we treat our friends of the same sex! Only sinners do that, but I know you are a misguided soul. The Lord is not happy with that type of behaviour and you only act in such a way, if you were pleasing the devil." Her disgusted face twisted into a smile as she put her rolling pin down and reached down to caress her son's cheek. "Now, what did I say to you, my child?"

"You must bury that emotion, and never let it out," the young boy repeated with his chest.

"Very good," the mother said.

"Very good," the Captain repeated, swallowing. He blinked his eyes and his gaze shifted from the sky to the equally-disheartening wallpaper, peeling away. Sighing, he walked away from the window and fixated his eyes onto the case of butterflies hanging on the other side of the room.

"Sir?" a voice called from the door. He knew who it was in a heartbeat. 

"Ah, Havers. I was just thinking of you," the Captain waved the letter in his hand, articulating his words just like his mother had taught him.

Havers smiled as he walked towards his commander but began walking towards the window. He looked out the window and looked longingly. The Captain subconsciously imitated his express but his longingly was towards... someone else, put simply. The man staring out of the window was not the same man who walked into the room; he was rather emotional, locked into the trance emotion had cursed him in. The Captain looked at him curiously, and wondered was exact emotion it was, he was experiencing. He knew it was utterly pointless, after years of detaching himself from the very thing but it was _Havers_. He was compelled to know.

Worry? No if it was worry, Haver's brow would be furrowed in concentration.

Sadness? No, no, his eyes would droop to the floor, flooding with sorrow.

The Captain racked his wits, thinking of what he could be feeling when it hit him.

"Love," he whispered.

Havers noticed the general by his side and laughed in embarrassment. "How improper, forgive me Sir. It's just..." his voice trailed off and he referred back to the window. "I saw a dove. I had never seen one on the grounds before. I have a dove ornament hanging outside my door, back at home."

The Captain, looked at him and saw the love in him turn into something colder. "You have family waiting for you, Havers?"

"Yes Captain, I have family at home. I have a wife who's expecting," smiled Havers, gazing fondly outside the window. "Do you have family waiting for you, Sir?"

The Captain cleared his throat. "No, no. I haven't found a woman to find myself attached to," reciprocating his Lieutenant's smile, except one was natural and one was forced.

 _"In fact, you're the only one I've ever real found myself attached to, Havers."_ he thought.

The Captain gasped, taking himself back. Havers looked at him and frowned.

"I'm sorry, Captain, I'll leave you now. You must have a lot to do now that I'm leaving you." Havers nodded his head and walked towards the door.

"W-wait, Havers don't-" But by the time, the Captain turned around, he was gone.

_"In fact, you're the only one I've ever real found myself attached to, Havers."_

The Captain felt that the butterflies hung up on the wall, had left their stations and came to life in his belly.

* * *

Button House stood still, not a person stirring darkness besides a single star, and the two men standing in the corridor.

"I shall miss you, Havers," the Captain declared with his chest, "Uh-and you know, when I say I, I speak for the whole Button House," correcting himself. God knows how many times he had to amend that slip of emotion in the past two days alone.

"I shall miss you too, Captain and when I say, I shall miss you, I'm speaking about the station you represent," the Lieutenant laughed, copying the Captain's words. "But I shall miss you, really Captain. You have been such a great friend during these times."

 _"Friends. Friends is the only relationship two men who aren't related can form,"_ his mother would scowl. The Captain managed to prevent a grimace from showing on his face.

"I'll get going now, if I am to make the train. It has been a pleasure working by your side," Havers smiled.

"It has been a pleasure too."

The Captain watched his _\- well not his, his implied that the man belonged to him and he did not, though it could have suggested a emotionally attachment but, of course, what emotion attachment-_ Havers walk off into the darkness, gradually becoming small and small.

Now, if only the Captain didn't run after Havers, trampling a patch of daffodils, into the night, the Captain would've woken up the next day, and the days after that, thinking about how much he missed the Lieutenant who left Button House. If only the Captain didn't see the men shouting in the foreign language attacking Havers, he would have woken up the next day, but that would mean Havers wouldn't have survived the war to see his wife and baby son. If only.

Those are the words that cling to his heart.

If only, they were born in the same time Alison was.

If only, the Captain didn't have a mother who taught him to accept his emotion, instead of burying them.

If only, Havers shared the same emotions- complicated, butterflies-in-your-stomach-inducing emotions.

But, they were merely wishes, not fragments of reality.

He did indeed wake up, eventually, just beside his lifeless body. But, he felt the cold and every heartache he would have if he lived. He woke up everyday in his afterlife, countless years after the incident, to say, "I miss you, no matter how hard I try," as if the person those words were intended for was still there. And he was still technically there, but rather as a memory.

**Author's Note:**

> hiya!! i hope you enjoyed the fic as much as i enjoyed writing it. because i am a passionate english student who adores symbolism, i wanted to leave all the symbolism i included in the writing because it just adds so much more!
> 
> the raven that flew past the window- ravens symbolise death. the raven flying past the captain foreshadows his death  
> the dove that flew past the window- doves symbolise love. the dove flew past as haver's talked about his loved ones  
> the daffodils that the captain trampled on- daffodils symbolise unrequited love. the captain trampled on the daffodils as he ran towards the man he loved, who did not love him back


End file.
